Helping an Introverted Child to Make Friends
Parenting the Shy Girl or Boy and Encouraging Social Success
Jun 13, 2009
Introverted children can mystify parents, especially if those parents don't have the same shy tendencies. The introvert might be a complete chatterbox at home, then cling to a parent in terror and refuse to speak in a public or social situation.
Though sometimes kids may suffer from social anxiety disorders or other problems, most often it is a common case of introversion. Here are some things parents need to know in order to help their little introvert thrive and make friends.
Basic Temperament Cannot be Changed
Everyone falls along an introvert/extrovert continuum. While life experience makes a difference, a person's basic position on the continuum is determined by his genetic makeup. Being introverted is an inborn tendency, and an introverted child will more than likely always be a little on the shy side.
Introverts will probably never be the life of the party or have a billion friends, but they wouldn't want that anyway! Remember that the goal of working with introverted children is not to change them into extroverts, but to help them develop a comfort level in social situations and equip them with the skills they need to make a few good friends and be happy.
Give Introverted Children Down Time
Extroverted people, both kids and adults, are energized by social interaction and lots of external stimuli. Introverts, however, are drained by it. A crammed social schedule will make introverts feel suffocated and scared. They need quiet time to recharge before they're best able to tackle social situations.
Like all other people, introverted kids are also at their best when they're well-fed and rested. Don't expect introverted children to function very well in a noisy, crowded room full of kids they don't know well if they're hungry, tired, or have already had a full day.
Encourage Without Pushing
For many shy kids, talking to adults or even playing with other kids at a birthday party is very scary and overwhelming. They need to know that their parent is there beside them – not just tossing them into a frightening situation to fend for themselves. To let an introverted child feel reassured, parents can
- Prepare the child ahead of time for what to expect: how many people will be there, what will be going on, and how long it will last.
- Be willing to sit with the child on the sidelines for a while until he feels comfortable joining in.
- Pick him up or hold his hand when approaching a new person.
- Role play social situations at home, like how to introduce himself or ask to join in a game at the playground.
- Encourage the child to order for himself at a restaurant or give money to the clerk at the store.
- Resist talking for the shy child; give him time to compose his thoughts and gain his voice.
- Give the introverted child specific praise for successfully handling a social situation, even a small one.
- Realize that some days will be better than others, depending on the child's mood and energy level.
How to Help Introverts Make Friends
Every parent wants to spare his or her child from the pain of feeling lonely or left out, and the parents of shy children often worry the most. Introverts usually don't want a huge entourage of friends, but do need one or two good friends to be happy. Ways parents can help introverted kids make friends are
- Practicing common social scenarios, like introductions.
- Recognizing when the child wants to join in and helping him to find the right words to approach another kid.
- Remind a child if he's mumbling or not making eye contact; he's probably so nervous he doesn't even realize that he appears standoffish or unfriendly to others.
- Invite one child at a time over for a playdate, since one-on-one or small group interactions are the best for introverts.
The best thing that parents can do for their introverted children is to accept them as they are. Introverted tendencies are inborn, and trying to eradicate them is futile and counterproductive. Parents need to help shy kids thrive and make friends, but the bottom line is that they need to do it with plenty of love and respect for who the child is at heart.
Readers might also enjoy "Activities to Help Preschoolers Bond with Dad" and "Teaching Pre-Reading Skills," and"Sample Letter of the Day Activities from A to Z."
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